Grandy and Andy: "DD-Sized" Radio Boobs

Like most people, my weekday mornings consist of routine: alarm goes off, light comes on, radio turned up. The first thing I hear? A shameless advertisement on DC's premiere conservative talk radio station, AM 630 WMAL, wherein they brag about bringing me "20 minutes commercial free of news, views, traffic, and weather...on the Grandy and Andy Show, AM 630, WMAL!" I like this segment best, even though the station's promise of bringing me 20 minutes of commercial free programming is a bald-faced lie. Note to program directors: "internal" commercials, such as the advertisement of upcoming shows on your station, is STILL a commercial. WMAL has a good thing going with 20 minutes of news at the top of the hour...but the little white lie about it being commercial free serves as a fly in the ointment for me.

For the next 20 minutes or so, I lie in bed listening to the show's main personalities, Andy Parks and Fred Grandy, yammer on and on about the day's important news stories. The two rarely agree on anything, except when it comes to the two things that are vitally important to conservative talk radio: bashing democrats and promoting war. Fred Grandy, a former Congressman from Iowa, is a proud Bush supporter, and makes no apologies for it. Listening to Grandy sing the praises of Dubya makes me wonder whether or not the former "Love Boat" star is still collecting lobbyist money as a Republican member of Congress.

Given the political leanings of Grandy and the unpopularity of his idol Dubya, you'd think it would be easy for WMAL to find a suitable personality to balance the show. Enter Andy Parks. If radio gods exist, Andy Parks is proof positive that they have a sense of humor. In fact, after unearthing Parks, WMAL might want to look in to hunting down Bin Laden, because whatever cave they found the knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing Parks in had to be more remote than the one where Bin Laden resides these days. Parks' sophomoric arguments--if they can be called that--usually consist of logical treatises such as "It's the law, Fred!" and "If the cop tells you to do something, you do it. No questions, you just do it." With such a wide spectrum of intellectual discourse represented, I'm surprised the station isn't fielding requests to expand the allotted time for the show.

That's what amazing about this show, though: somehow a die-hard Bushie sounds more reasonable than the overt militarist. Instead of following the cable news network example of off-setting a conservative guest with a liberal guest, WMAL decided to offset one simple-minded conservative with an even less sophisticated (but far more bellicose) war hawk! Listening to Grandy and Andy debate an issue is like re-watching one of the GOP Presidential debates where Mitt Romney and John McCain took turns accusing each other of not being militaristic enough. Like every media-generated difference between candidates, regardless of party, the differences between Grandy and Andy are entirely cosmetic.

Now, at this point, whenever I voice my criticism of radio personalities--and AM radio in general--someone always asks the question, "Why don't you just change the station?" You're probably thinking that right now, as a matter of fact. I'll answer that question for you: it's not that simple to just turn off the radio or change the station. I've been a steadfast talk radio junkie ever since I swore off the FM dial back in 1998, and I'm never going back. Talk radio does for me what People Magazine does for prying, irresponsible simpletons. It's junk food. Better stated, talk radio is like that annoying, itchy bug bite on the back of your knee that you know you're not supposed to scratch, but it feels oh-so-good to do so. If that makes me a masochist, then I'm happy to embrace talk radio as my torture rack.

There is no shortage of awful programming on the AM band, and the "Grandy and Andy" show is far from the bottom of the barrel. The complaints surrounding radio icons such as Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, etc. are voluminous and, frankly, misguided. Most criticisms I've read regarding established radio personalities make the crucial error of ascribing to the host some form of journalistic responsibility, as if the host has some honesty requirement to fulfill when espousing his or her opinions every day. Another reason why I am able to enjoy talk radio as much as I do is because that, in the ten years I've listened to AM radio, I've never taken seriously anything a host or personality has said.

Occasionally I will shout at the radio in response to something a host says when I find the remark particularly egregious. Sometimes I catch myself getting carried away in the same way I used to get upset when someone denigrated my favorite coach, player, or team on sports talk radio. Other times I catch myself before the profanities start to slip. In both cases, and as it applies to the "Grandy and Andy" show, I have to remember that radio personalities are entertainers; they're disc jockeys operating on a different frequency. For some reason that knowledge has always brought a smile to my face.